(but not the dirt band)

So you’re that person. The “BUT I GOTS TA KNOW” person. You weren't satisfied with the ingredients list and you’ve gone in search of more information. Well, besides help with your librarian kink, nerd,
you came to the right place. 

Is this soap non-toxic? Kinda.
 Is it going to hurt you if you use it? Depends. 
Are you using it like soap or are you trying to clean the back of your eyeballs with it? 
If you are using it like normal soap - then no. 
If you apply directly to your open eye - shit’s going to hurt.
If you’re allergic to peppermint, and use the soap with peppermint in it then yeah you’re gonna have a bad time with that too. 
If you shove it in a potato cannon and shoot it at someone it has the potential to be lethal. So don’t do that.


Be responsible, read the ingredients, don't put it directly in your eye, don't use it if you're allergic to it, don't shoot it out of potato cannons, and just use it like soap. 
As for the ingredients themselves…they are typically boring. We did our best to make them not be, and added some memes.  

Olea Europaea (Olive) Oil

If something is rusty and locked up what is the first thing you reach for? WD-40. That’s basically olive oil when it comes to ingredients. High in antioxidants, olive oil will help create a protective skin barrier to prevent your skin from getting rusty and locking up. 

Glycine Soja (Soybean) Oil

If you've been in the military or basically just played any sport then you know 800mg of ibuprofen and some ice will get you back to fighting fit no matter what. Soybean oil is basically ibuprofen for your skin. It is rich in anti-inflammatory properties which helps protect skin from UVB rays and other outside elements. It also helps to reduce scarring, repair damaged skin cells, and provides skin with a natural glow. A natural glow like you’re pregnant at the golden hour, not like you fell into a radioactive vat of poison. 

Cocos Nucifera (Coconut) Oil

What really is coconut oil? You hear about it all the time. ALLEGEDLY it is a natural detoxifier that is soothing on all areas of skin. We don’t even know where they come from. In search of this we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of Mercia. And we found them. Yes we know the coconut is tropical and mercia is in a temperate zone but the swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house maarten or the plummer may seek warmer climes in winter, but these are not strangers to our land! No, we aren’t suggesting that coconuts migrate. They could be carried. Yes, maybe a swallow. It could grip it by the husk! And I know you’re thinking It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple question of weight ratios!  A five-ounce bird could *not* carry a one-pound coconut! 

Well it doesn't matter! It’s already in the soap. 

Zea Mays (Corn) Oil

Bags, tailgate toss, baggo, chuckhole, cornhole. You know it. You love it. You....Wait. 

Our R&D team has just informed me that the aiming fluid used in the previously mentioned game is in fact alcohol and has nothing to do with the corn oil in our soap other than the name. That’s my bad y’all. The corn oil we use is vitamin E rich, light textured, and is beneficial due to it’s moisturizing properties that will leave your skin feeling hydrated and bright. I will get the R&D team working on it’s applicability to cornhole though, we might have something there. 

Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Seed Oil

Sunflowers recently won a highly coveted award. They were outstanding in their field. And if all the other ingredients are great, sunflower seed oil is just like it’s originator - outstanding. Sunflower seed oil does everything; Absorbent, won’t clog pores, non-irritating, high in antioxidants, anti-inflammatory, camoflauging, bluetooth enabled, wifi, GPS, blindspot alert, solar powered, back-up camera, voice activated, self drying, wrinkle free, USB, HDMI, and Thunderbolt Compatible. It is also good for acne-prone skin and helps maintain moisture and supports the skin’s natural barrier. 

Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter)

If sunflower seed oil was that girl who was involved in everything, Shea Butter is that one girl who was always one step ahead of her, but was like genuinely nice about it so there was no way you could hate her. AND IT PISSED YOU THE FUCK OFF. LIKE STOP BEING SO GREAT AT EVERYTHING AND BEING NICE. IT MAKES IT WORSE BECAUSE I WANT TO HATE YOU. Shea butter is literally the best at everything but is so humble about it, it’s annoying. 


Water. It is what it is. If you don’t know what it is at this point you are probably seconds from dying. 

Sodium Hydroxide (Lye)

So this giraffe walks into a bar and lays down right in the middle of the floor. A guy walks in right behind him, points, and shouts at the bartender “ Oi! Whats that lyin’ there?” and the bartender yells back “That’s no lion, that’s a giraffe!” The lye used in our soaps is just like that, not a giraffe. Lye is what reacts with oils during the saponification process to solidify everything and actually make it soap. It’s the thing that Tyler Durden uses to burn The Narrator’s hand in that book/movie that has the first rule about us not talking about it. Fortunately for you, we make sure the process is complete and there is no leftover lye lyin’ around. The only burns we will be offering have to do with outfits, exes, or drunk decisions...sometimes all three at the same time, looking at you Megan. 

Silica Sand

Silica sand is quartz that over time, through the work of water and wind, has been broken down into tiny granules. In the soap it works as a natural exfoliant to remove dead skin cells leaving skin glowing and smooth. Yes, it is another glow inducing ingredient. We are indirectly targeting the rave market and hoping Terry Crews will consider coming on board. 

Ground Oatmeal

Contrary to popular belief, ground oatmeal is made through the process of grinding (think mortal and postal, not 2000s dancing). It is not oatmeal that was swept up off the floor at the packaging factory. Oats contain sapions that work as a natural exfoliant utilized in certain soaps of ours, as opposed to homo sapiens which are the main ingredient in baby oil. Which we want nothing to do with because of the resulting diaper disposal byproduct.

Activated Charcoal

Do not tell anyone that we are telling you this but charcoal is actually a conglomerate of sleeper cell agents operated by the infamous New World Order cabal. It has been infused into a number of products to infiltrate your homes. Its purpose is to clean your skin by unclogging pores, removing impurities and dead skin cells in order to leave you with smooth, even toned skin. Recently there was a top secret order to activate the charcoal and that's why you’re seeing it in so many products. Charcoal has always been there, watching, waiting, and now that it has been activated- it is on its way to complete its mission… and taking over the world. 

Peppermint Leaves

The dirty side of Christmas that no one talks about is peppermint. Much like farm workers in Columbia chewing leaves of the coca plant to promote an elevated mood, nasal clarity, and suppress fatigue; Santa Claus came under investigation for forcing the elves to eat peppermint leaves to achieve the same result with a festive twist. The investigation determined that while the peppermint helped the elves achieve high productivity and reach year end toy making totals, it was not harmful to the elves and Santa was not forcing them to use the peppermint in any way. It was also noted that peppermint has been ingrained in elf culture since its inception and the elves used it in many other ways including to cool their scalp, help tone their skin, minimize pores, and restore their skin’s overall elasticity to leave them with their  perfect mythical complection. After reading the results of the investigation it was decided that peppermint leaves would be the perfect addition to certain soaps to offer the same benefits to the members of the War Braid community. 

Coffee Grounds

Originally we tried to use a coffee ground but we could never find it when we needed it. So we decided to use more than one. For those caffeine sensitive individuals, you cannot absorb enough caffeine through your skin to make you bounce around in the shower. We know this because you are not a frog, well we are assuming you are not a frog because you’re looking at this on your phone or computer. That and there is nowhere near enough CPB (caffeine per bar, yes we just made that up) to do that anyway. So even if you were a frog it wouldn’t matter. There is enough CPB though to help reduce the appearance of skin imperfections and brighten overall skin tone as well as scrub away dead skin cells due to the texture of the coffee grounds. Additionally, do not put the soap in the coffee maker, it isn't compatible with Keurig systems. Speaking from experience It will taste terrible and will pretty much fuck up your day in general. 

Bentonite Clay

Originally we thought this was the same clay used in claymore mines and the goal was to provide you with an explosive cleansing sensation, unfortunately for us it is the wrong kind of clay but we already bought it anyway. Fortunately for you, you are unable to get your shower to 1800 F, even though we are sure you have tried after watching Daenerys Targaryen’s boiling bath in the first season of GoT. So instead of being cast in clay for the rest of your life and joining the Terracotta army this clay will help with your skin detox by creating a mini mud mask. 


Kind of a blanket term....AKA Distillates, terpenes, absolutes, and the smelly part of essential oils. To be honest we don't know why they are so essential, but they had to go to work regardless of the pandemic. These give us the subtle scents found in the soaps and are what makes them smell so delicious. 


FD&C Color

This is a general term for any color additive deemed safe and FDA-approved for use in foods, drugs, and cosmetics. We do not know what it did to earn the rank of general but it seems distinguished. 

All of the content on is for informational purposes only. All advice should be followed at your own discretion. Ingredients may change at any time so always check the product label before using.